Wednesday, August 22, 2007

8 ways to drive a graphic designer mad

The following article was written by Ghislain Roy and originally published by HOW Magazine.

As everyone knows, graphic designers are the reason there are so many wars
in this world. They get inside our heads with their subliminal advertising, force us against our will to spend money on the worst pieces of shit, and eventually, drive us to depression and random acts of violence. And of course, most of them are communists.

So to do my part to save the world from them, I made a list of things you can do when working with a graphic designer, to assure that they have a burn-out and leave this business FOREVER.

1-Microsoft Office
When you have to send a graphic designer a document, make sure it's made with a program from Microsoft Office. - PC version if possible.

If you have
to send pictures, you'll have more success in driving them mad if, instead of just sending a jpeg or a raw camera file, you embed the pictures inside a Microsoft Office document like Word or Powerpoint.

Don't forget to lower
the resolution to 72 dpi so that they'll have to contact you again for a higher quality version.

When you send them the "higher" version, make sure
the size is at least 50% smaller.

And if you're using email to send the
pictures, forget the attachment once in a while.

If the graphic designer chooses Helvetica for a font, ask for Arial.

If he
chooses Arial, ask for Comic Sans.

If he chooses Comic Sans, he's already
half-insane, so your job's half done.

3-More is better
Let's say you want a newsletter designed.

Graphic designers will always try
to leave white space everywhere.
Large margins, the leading and kerning of
text, etc. They will tell you that they do this because it's easier to read, and leads to a more clean, professional look. But do not believe those lies.

The reason they do this is to make the document bigger, with
more pages, so that it costs you more at the print shop.
Why do they do it?

Because graphic designers hate you. They also eat babies. Uncooked, raw baby meat.

So make sure you ask them to put smaller margins and really, really small text.

Many different fonts are also suggested (bonus if you ask for Comic
Sans, Arial or Sand).

Ask for clipart.

Ask for many pictures (if you don't
know how to send them, refer to #1).

They will try to argument, and defen
their choices but don't worry, in the end the client is always right and they will bow to your many requests.

If you have to send a graphic designer a logo for a particular project, let's say of a sponsor or partner, be sure to have it really really small and in a low-res gif or jpeg format.

Again, bonus points if you insert it
in a Word document before sending it.

Now you might think that would be
enough but if you really want to be successful in lowering the mental stability of a graphic designer, do your best to send a version of the logo over a hard to cut-out background. Black or white backgrounds should be avoided, as they are easy to cut-out with the darken or lighten layer style in photoshop.

Once the graphic designer is done working on that bitmap
logo, tell him you need it to be bigger.

If you need a custom made logo, make your own sketches on a napkin. Or better yet, make your 9 year old kid draw it.

Your sketch shouldn't take
more than 5 minutes to make. You don't want to make something that's detailed and easy to understand, because the less the designer understands what you want, the more you can make him change things afterwards.

accept the first logo. Never accept the 9th, make him do many changes, colours, fonts & clip art.

Ask him to add a picture in the logo. Bevels.

Gradients. Comic Sans. And when he's at his 10th attempt, tell him that you like the 2nd one the most.

I know, it's mean but remember: graphic
designers are the cause of breast cancer among middle aged women.

5-Chosing your words
When describing what you want in a design, make sure to use terms that don't really mean anything.

Terms like "jazz it up a bit" or "can you make
it more webbish?". "I would like the design to be beautiful" or "I prefer nice graphics, graphics that, you know, when you look at them you go: Those are nice graphics." are other options.

Don't feel bad about it, you've got
the right. In fact, it's your duty because we all know that on fullmoons, graphic designers shapeshift into werewolves.

The best way for you to pick colours (because you don't want to let the graphic designer choose) is to write random colours on pieces of paper, put them in a hat and choose.

The graphic designer will suggest to stay with
2-3 main colours at the most, but no. Choose as many as you like, and make sure to do the hat thing in front of him.

While doing it, sing a very
annoying song.

When it's your turn to approve the design, take your time. There is no rush.

Take two days. Take six. Just as long as when the deadline of the
project approaches, you get back to the designer with more corrections and changes that he has time to make.

After all, graphic designers are
responsible for the 911 attacks.

8-Finish him
After you've applied this list on your victim, it is part of human nature (although some would argue weather they're human or not) to get a bit insecure.

As he realises that he just can't satisfy your needs, the graphic
designer will most likely abandon all hopes of winning an argument and will just do whatever you tell him to do, without question.

You want that in
purple? Purple it is. Six different fonts? Sure!

At this point, make sure to ask him WHAT HE THINKS - because HE is the designer. This will really send him into a spin.

You would think that at this point you have won, but don't forget the goal

of this: he has to quit this business. So be ready for the final blow: When
making final decisions on colours, shapes, fonts, etc, tell him that you
are disappointed by his lack of initiative.

Tell him that after all, he is
the designer and that he should be the one to put his expertise and talent at work, not you. That you were expecting more output and advices about design from him.

Tell him you've had enough with his lack of creativity and that you would rather do your own layouts on Publisher instead of paying for his services.
And there you go.

You should have graphic designer all tucked into a
straight jacket in no time!

PS: I have put a CONTRACT out on the person that wrote this.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

utter crap. not funny in the slightest. get a life you creep.

12:24 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought it was funny. very funny. especially the bit about waiting 6 days for feedback. and the bit about the kid designing the logo. and the microsoft office documents.

1:16 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant! Very Funny! I have a client who pulls most of these moves...

4:06 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was this meant to be funny? I thought it was utterly factual until i read the comments...

12:05 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hahahaha. That's good. :)

11:44 am  
Anonymous John said...

OMG that was so hilarious i'm laughing so hard right now and i'm a graphic designer xD

10:18 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just got off the phone with an ex-client whom covered all of the above. Literally! Well, with the exception of not allowing this customer any changes after the image was created. This customer wanted a cheap solution, so a cheap (one-time) solution was given. I have worked for this customer on other projects prior to this last one and have come to the conclusion that this customer is never satisfied. Regardless if it is graphics or, word for word client supplied written documents which are to be re-produced for the web. This customer is never satisfied. I always wondered if this customer was once a Sprint customer?!?
This customer tried to attack me with comments of injustice on the phone this morning.
I have fired this customer before. I seriously need to learn to keep No at No.
Thank goodness I have only had (2) customers like this. The first was a quick release. Than again, the first really did a number on me.
The fact they call you at all, says quite a bit. For starters they realize your quality in service and/or your price meets their bargain hunting minds! Something to consider...

4:05 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have got number 9....

go to a designer with an outrages ugly idea that he must follow to the letter. If the designer suggests changes of improvement which could make your idea actually work. Dismiss him/her screw your nose up and say that it doesn't sound good. Get the designer to just do what you asked for.
once he/she shows you the result and you realise that it is horrible and wont work.
Go to a new designer and take the sample of your idea that the last designer did to show how bad the last designer is at his/her job!!!
But thats not all....
Then proceed to ask the new designer to set up an idea which was actually one of the suggestions of your last designer and make a comment like.. "I don't know why the last designer couldn't done that!

has this happened to anyone???

12:51 pm  
Blogger Alice said...

Has this happened to anyone?

What, apart from YOU?

Yes, I should definitely make that Number Nine.

Have you recovered yet?

Are you feeling OK now?

Perhaps we should get together and make a blacklist of these SPECIAL clients, and therapy sessions down at the pub


Being a Graphic Designer would be a great job if it wasn't for clients!

1:07 pm  
Anonymous Graphic Designers said...

very good article . you make some interesting points.

Graphic Designers website

3:13 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG as a Graphic Designer... this DEF made me laugh!

5:33 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:09 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It was funny reading...but seriously these are things we as graphic designers have to deal with on a daily basis.
I am not that limber to bend over backwards for crazy clients.

10:46 am  
Blogger nelly said...

I have responded to this blog, just for fun, as I am a marketer and a designer, I can see the thing from both perspectives :)
Follow the link
and let me know what you think.

3:22 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This link is headed out to all my friends who are on the graphic design side of our art program! Brilliant!

4:28 pm  
Blogger Bret said...

I wondered where my clients learned how to make me crazy. Now I know. It leaves a cold pit in my stomach where raw baby meat used to be.

2:54 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A client once tried this crap . He agreed to pay me 250$ for a logo . Kept asking for color variations , idiotic changes , wanted allot of things for a logo design that in the end didnt satisfy him . After the third logo variation I saw that he still wasnt satisfied so I cut connection with him for a few weeks , meanwhile i used his design in a logo contest on a freelance website . Prize was 400$ . After I won i I gave him a print screen of the contest .
This is how you should deal with idiotic clients that do not know what they want , don't respect you as a designer , are impatient , ask you to do idiotic things and above all undervallue your work .

11:36 am  
Anonymous Maya said...

LMBO!! OMG This was HILARIOUS! They seriously do punish us like we're 911 terrorists! Gosh! My favorite one was when they make you do 10 damn logo revisions and then go w/ the SECOND. Wtf.

2:15 pm  
Blogger butchikikay said...

After reading this article i found out that my computer doesn't have Helvetica font. Im a century gothic fan... lol

8:22 pm  

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